The idea that the NICU experience is a never ending rollercoaster was setting in for us. Never in our lives had we been so exhausted. We were complete zombies and to this day I have no idea how we were able to function during those first several weeks in the NICU. The best example I could compare this feeling to is in movies where a boxer has been beaten down so much, is barely standing and they are about to receive the final blow that will knock them to the ground. We barely came out on the other side of Beckham’s bowel surgery and hearing it was a localized perforation versus NEC was a definite win. This gave us a little boost, as we soaked in the mini victory, but the fight was not over.Continue reading
January 19th 2016. The time stamp on the voicemail of my phone.
The Call I missed by one second.
The moment I glanced at my phone to see it was our surrogates call I just missed.
The second my heart plummeted to the floor knowing whatever she was calling for was not good.
The ding my cell phone made indicating I had a voicemail.
The unsteadiness of my hand as I went to click on the message while holding my breath.
The pain that overcame me when she started speaking crying that she was bleeding and going to the hospital.
The second you get your baby in the car for the very first time.
Everything Changes. Every Facet of your life. You have made it. No more driving back and forth to and from the hospital, no more eating only whats close by, no more alarms giving you heart attacks, no more cave. You have been reintroduced to sunlight. Your baby has been introduced to it for the first time. Everything is a shock factor and everything is a first. Even for the parents…
It’s been over a year since my last post. If there’s anything I have learned about prematurity it is that even after the NICU everything is a fight. A lot has changed. We have moved, Beckham has grown, I am working again and the fight continues for his health, always. I’ve had to regain myself. Give myself time again to be me, to do the things I love. Slowly but surely I try to when I have the time but still feel I have a ways to go. There are so many new things I want to write about as Beckham grows but I want to finish his story in the Nicu as well. So I plan to do both as we go along. I will have the NICU series labelled separately and also write about the now with some flashbacks of what has been going on since we left the NICU almost 2 years ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. Seems like yesterday. So, lets begin with where I left off from my last post “From Hope to Horror”.
It’s been three months since I started this blog post and 16 months since the next part of this story. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around writing about this experience. It was the worst day of our family’s life…
There is nothing more lonely than being a mom of a baby in the NICU.