As the year is winding down and I contemplate all that happened in 2015 and all that is to come in 2016 I came to the complete and obvious realization that I have been stuck in a rut. And not just an “my disease has progressed” rut. More of an ” I have given up” rut.
As I sit on my couch watching yet another Netflix marathon with my ass molding into the couch that I seem to be glued to now a days I can’t help but feel utterly pathetic. I think to myself I need to at least try and accomplish something today in the house or get outside but I just can’t seem to get the energy to do so. Sure, part of my lack of energy I can attribute to the fact that my joint pain has increased lately. My kidney pain is what it always is and my overall condition is doing what I expected it to be doing at this age. Things are taking their course as I knew they would… but what the problem really is, is my attitude. My drive to fight. To do, well, anything. I sit and think about where my energy has gone, and why I have put on these 6 pounds that I can’t get off, I mean nothing has changed right?
Today was not a good day. Well, it was a fine day actually. It’s sunny outside and warm and summer is here which makes it a pretty beautiful day, but I woke up this morning knowing it would be a bit of a struggle. The last few days I haven’t been on my game. I have been exhausted..not feeling up to doing much, not focused, stomach issues making me drag and kidney pain a little worse than average. I woke up this morning with swelling so bad I could barely bend my fingers. I put on 4 pounds in 24 hours just from swelling. Possible from poor diet choices as well, I mean let’s face it when we don’t feel great, our “go to” can often be the unhealthy foods we aren’t supposed to be eating. Who can resist comfort foods in a time when we aren’t feeling comfortable after all. For me, sign me up anytime for chips and queso, pasta and ice cream. It’s all I need to get by, forever.
In the world of doctors and patients trust is a key component when it comes to diagnosis, treatment, and overall care. However, trust is a two way street. The doctor must trust the patient and the patient needs to trust the doctor. This is a relationship that can take time to form and develop, but what happens when you are working with a medical system that trains it’s doctors to never trust their patients? That is the system we are working in and it has created a monster of a medical industry filled with millions of un happy, mistreated patients, mis diagnosed patients, and doctors who believe they know all and are god’s gift to the world. We have entered an era of medical practice where the patient is no longer valued as a human being, but as a liar seeking attention, or someone who has something to hide, basically an individual that does not really need medical attention unless they present symptoms of death, and even then they probably would doubt the patient!
Wow, what a week this has been. It’s always funny to me how life never fails to let you get comfortable and then pull the rug from underneath you. Just when I thought I had reached a good place and gotten my disease under control (to my best ability) I find myself in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital. It was a rough situation and one that looks like it will be putting me through quite a roller coaster for the next few months.
I ask myself this question far too frequently. Maybe it’s because when I first started having symptoms 10-15 years ago I was usually told it was all in my head. That was not all I was told… I would have people tell me I was acting sick to get attention too! Because.. That’s logical… Apparently people think that sick folk just want to lie around in bed all day. Does that really sound appealing to anyone? After about 24 hour you start getting antsy and need to get out of the house before you feel like you might actually go stir crazy! Trust me on this. But it wasn’t just the general population. It is also the doctors. Why do you think we need to have second or third opinions just to get a proper diagnosis? Doctors just don’t believe it if they cannot see it. Unfortunately often times when I get a new symptom (even with the doctors knowledge of my genetic diseases) they doubt it. If it doesn’t sound like a big deal to them they shrug it off or attribute it to medications or stress and the like. More often than not these symptoms become much more than anyone originally thought. I don’t think anyone really understands how insanely frustrating this is. To be second guessed at every appointment. Especially if you’re a woman, seeing a male doctor ( look for future blog post on this subject!). Females are often highly regarded as emotionally unstable, illogical, overly dramatic, no pain tolerance, etc. This constant treatment of doubt and questionability not only makes a spoonies life more exhausting and stressful than it already is but it can also hurt our chances of a timely diagnosis.