I have been debating in my head over and over how and where on earth to start with my blog again, especially with all that has happened over the past 6 months. Honestly, I still don’t even know. Everything was going well for us. We just had a nice birthday party for my husband over the weekend with friends and family. My health was about as good as it could get, careers for my husband and I were great (and still are), our daughter well… she’s always great, and our son was on track, looking healthy in the womb. Our surrogate was doing everything right. Eating healthy, moderate excersize, vitamins etc. She was sending us weekly photos of her belly growth so we could save them and see him grow. We recorded all of our voices reading books to him so she could put headphones over her belly and play them for him as he was around the phase where he could hear. A countdown to baby chalk block was centered on our kitchen table as we all took turns changing the number of days each day. We had yet to feel him moving in her belly but she said he was a big kicker. Kicked her 24/7. Everything was perfect. We were set for a follow up appointment January 19 at 8 AM with ultrasound to check on how our little man was developing.
January 19 he would be 24 weeks 5 days. Just over the half way point.
January 18th was an average day. A Monday back at work and for me it was a very busy one. The beginning of the year we were getting plans and projects sorted out. I had a new resource starting that day and scheduled meetings with him for the next several weeks to bring him up to speed on our projects and what I wanted him to be focusing on. We discussed part of his growth plan and he was ready to dive into project management. I pulled together presentations for expanding the Project Management Office. Since I would be going on maternity leave in May I wanted to ensure I had everything smooth sailing before I had to leave, therefore January – April were going to be extremely hectic. There was so much to accomplish. I left late from work that evening, about 6PM. Mondays and Tuesdays my daughter is with her father which allows for me to put in extra hours so I tried to take advantage knowing things would change once we had baby number two in the mix. My husband and I had a normal night. Dinner, walked the dogs, maybe catch an episode of the blacklist or criminal minds. I set my alarm for later, excited about the fact that I could sleep in an extra hour because our baby appointment was in the morning. Lights out.
January 19, 2016 1:27 AM I hear a faint noise and catch the end of a phone call vibrating on my side table. “Ugh.. who’s calling in the middle of the night?” I think to myself as my phone vibrates again, once indicating I have a voicemail. Barely opening my eyes I turn my phone on it’s side to take peek and see if it’s something I need to respond to and see our surrogates number. My heart sinks and I sit up immediately. This can’t be good. My hand is shaking as I think please don’t let this be happening. I click on the voicemail to play. A sad raspy voice on the other end begins to tell me she’s on the way to the hospital and please call her back, something’s wrong. Trying not to cry I click call back immediately. This time a voice clearly uncomfortable and scared tells me she was cramping earlier that evening and didn’t think it was anything but around 1AM she woke up and realized she was bleeding. She’s being rushed to the hospital. We hadn’t yet picked a hospital but we had toured one. Methodist West. That’s where she is headed. A good 35 minute drive for us with no traffic. As soon as I tell her we’re on our way and hang up I can’t move. A million thoughts are going through my head, I need to tell my husband, get dressed, what about the dogs, God this can’t be happening, pack a bag, grab my meds, please please please tell me everything is going to be ok. Crying and trying not to panic I explain everything to Josh and frantically say we need to go now. I can’t breathe. I grab the car keys to drive cause I know I’ll drive the fastest and when Im super stressed I have a need to be in some sort of control. The car ride is completely silent. Only the sound of the tires on the pavement and the voices in my head. I stop myself from crying over and over again. This can’t be happening. We have done everything right, we have waited for 2 years to find an egg donor, and then another one, to get the eggs after so many attempts, to create embryos, to get genetic testing, to find a surrogate, to implant them and have them fail… It’s not fair. This just can’t be what’s happening. Someone wake me up from this nightmare! I can’t even look at my husband. This has put us through so much as a couple and if I look at him I won’t be able to hold it in anymore. Focus on the road, we’ll be there soon and the doctors will likely have her settled down. If it’s labor they can stop it. It happened to me remember Maegan? You were 32 weeks. Started bleeding. They stopped it. You stayed on bed rest and you were fine. That’s it. We will be fine. We’ve done everything to finally have our baby. It has to be fine.
2:00 AM: We pull up to the hospital and run into the ER as I text our surrogate to find out what room she is in. The ER is empty and the people at the front desk see our faces and know where to send us. We are brought to the maternity ward. Once we check in at the security desk they tell us where to go. The ward is dead silent. Every door is closed and most the lights are off. We come to a well lit hallway where a door is open and people are standing on the other side of it. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if I’m ready, but we keep walking faster and faster. As soon as we walk in I’m stopped by a nurse and try to explain the situation as they tell us only one person can be in the room with our surrogate. Her fiance immediately says “bye” and tells me to be the one and I run to her side while my husband and her fiancé leave the room. She’s in so much pain. I grab her hand as she moves her body side to side saying how much it hurts. I look around and see a room full of people that I didn’t realize were there a second ago. All I saw was her. There must be 20 nurses in here. A tech comes in to get the heart beat and ultrasound to see whats going on. The heart beat is strong. Thank goodness, thank you thank you thank you. There’s a heart beat. I take a deep breath and she squeezes my hand and screams. “Why does she not have pain meds?!” I ask. A nurse explains to me the doctor will be there any minute and we will know what to do. I start talking to my surrogate, telling her to take deep breaths, don’t worry, I’m here for you. She looks at me and tells me “Im so sorry” and I immediately tell her “all I care about right now is making sure you are going to be ok, ok? Let’s make sure you are ok. Deep breath!”. Finally the doctor walks in. She’s given the story and the stats and begins to put gloves on. She explains to me that there appears to be a good amount of blood and she needs to go in a feel what is happening but it looks like the baby will be coming today. She lifts the blanket and I see the blood, there’s so much. I didn’t know there was so much. As the doctor goes to feel for the baby she immediately looks up at the nurses and says there’s no time, he’s coming now, he’s ready. I start crying and my surrogate starts screaming bloody murder. She can’t stop moving her body. She’s screaming for them to please hurry and the doctor can’t give her any pain meds now. The doctor instructs me to stay next to her and help her push through the pain. I have to pull myself together. “Come on Maegan, pull yourself together!” I have no idea what to expect. Im not prepared at all. “PUSH!” the doctor orders. The surro pushes and pushes and pushes; screams and screams and screams, while I tell her over and over to “push” and “you can do this, deep breaths, it’s going to be ok!“. Nothing happens. Her pain continues to escalate, her screaming gets louder, she’s squeezing my hand harder. “PLEASE get this baby out!!!” she yells as the nurses try to calm her down and the doctor says hang in there we are not ready for another push.
2:45 AM Before we know it “PUSH!” it happens all over again and within a millisecond this tiny life form is completely out and it’s kicking like crazy just like she said he always did in utero. My heart stops, the room goes quiet and there’s no noise coming from anywhere. “Is that a baby? is that my baby? How can he be kicking? he’s too small.” I think to myself. The doctor runs him over a few feet to an incubator and warmer where a whole team of people are standing ready. When did they get here? There’s 40 people in here. How did the happen? I turn to our surro who is still in so much pain and she just says “go”. I rush over to see the smallest human I have ever laid eyes on with a full head of hair, covered in monitors, and a doctor looks up at me for a moment before she is to shove a tiny tube down his throat that looks like a stir straw. She holds him up for me to see. “That’s my son.” I break down and a nurse behind me catches me as she lets me collapse in her arms and I begin to bawl uncontrollably. She tells me everything will be ok, but we both know she doesn’t really know that to be true. I hear the surro screaming again and run over to see whats happening. Her placenta won’t come out and the doctor tells me she needs a D & C. All I can think is that she’s been through so much, why does it have to get any worse? Why should she suffer so much after sacrificing her life to give us a life? Nurses come over with pain meds finally so they can put her to sleep for the procedure. It has to happen quickly. I can’t get my head straight. Where should I be? What should I be doing? I look up and the team surrounding my son is still working vigorously and I don’t know for what. I don’t know what to ask, say, do, when a flash hits me. My husband. Where’s my husband? Somehow I turn this thought into a vocalization “Where’s my husband?! he should be here?!” the nurse that held me says she will go get him. Moments later he walks in. I run to him and repeat exactly what I had done with the nurse. His face is pure shock and confusion. He did not know what he would be walking into and all he knows now is that his wife is breaking down uncontrollably in his arms. He turns his head and says “is that the baby?” I look up realizing no one told him anything and tell him “oh my gosh, yes, they couldn’t stop the labor, he came out so fast, that’s your son babe. That’s our baby boy”. 3:00 AM.
~ Just A Regular Sick Girl